By Casey Neill
Embracing her imperfections as a mum allowed Victoria Vanstone to rediscover the joy in the chaos that is parenting.
Mumming: A Year of Trying (and Failing) to Be a Better Parent documents the mum of three, author, blogger, and podcaster’s 12-month parental development journey.
“I was writing it because I wanted to be the triumphant protagonist of my own story,” she said.
“The process was really fulfilling.
“I realised I was doing a good job and I was always trying.
“As long as you have unconditional love for your children, that is going to be the backbone for your parenting.
“I always had people there for me. That’s what I’m going to be for my kids.
“It’s an invisible scaffold to our lives.”
Victoria, who hails from the UK and now calls the Sunshine Coast home, felt like Pinterest-perfect mums were coming at her from every direction.
“I always thought that everybody else did it better than me,” she said.
“I’ve realised they’re probably all crying into their pillows at night as well.
“There’s so much information about what we should be doing.
“I felt completely overwhelmed and like I was failing all the time.
“It makes you want to switch off everything and just follow your heart.
“I don’t think I leaned on that gut feeling enough in the early days.”
Victoria said a photo posted to Instagram might capture 10 percent of her reality.
“I wanted to represent the other 90 percent,” she said.
“The stories that I hear are the fails, when I meet up with my mates now.
“They’re the ones that make us laugh.”
Victoria recalled sitting in her car in the school car park, crying, when a mate knocked on her window.
“She just handed me a paper bag with a bar of chocolate and a little note,” she said.
“Sometimes parenting is f*****.
“All I needed to know was that other mums were sitting in the school car park and crying.
“That level of camaraderie…That’s just what I needed to hear.
“Our strength is that we keep coming back.
“It might take a couple of hours, or a massage, or a walk down the beach on our own.”
A trip to Italy was part of her year-long pursuit of parenting improvement.
“I was at a point in my parenting at the beginning of the year where I knew I was shouting too much,” she said.
“I remember my mum shouting at me, and it never made me feel good.
“It made me shout back, which my children were doing.
“It was my emotions that were getting out of control. The kids were just being kids. It was how I was reacting to it that was the problem.
“I didn’t have any time and space for myself.
“Finding who I was before I was a mother was important to me.”
Victoria didn’t want to identify as 100 percent ‘mum’.
“After writing the book, I realised that was ok, as long as I kept returning to them,” she said.
“I have to be fully present and show them who I am.
“We talk about everything in our household.
“That’s my proudest part of my parenting, is showing my vulnerability and being available for their vulnerability as well.
“We make sure the lines of communication are open.”
Victoria also found that identifying her values as a parent and a person gave her something to lean back on during the tough times, and would also help her children to discover their own values.
“I thought when you had children, you popped them out and moulded them into who you wanted them to be,” she laughed.
“I thought you could train them from birth to be the child you imagined.
“But they’re each so different and they are who they are. It can be quite soul-destroying and life-affirming at the same time.
“Sometimes I learn my lessons from my children, rather than the other way around.
“I didn’t realise they were going to teach me anything at all.”
