By LIA SPENCER
THERE is no way to be a perfect mother but a million ways to be a good one.
But with a click of the button, women can gain support and learn the tools to be the best mother they can be.
Mindfulness 4 Mothers is an online program developed by psychologist Kellie Edwards. This August, Glow Clinic in Berwick is offering an educational and interactive workshop to give mothers a taste of the program and try out some of the helpful practices.
Kellie answered questions from CCK reporter Lia Spencer to discuss what it is to be a mindful parents and what we can expect from the upcoming workshop.
Lia: Can you tell me about Mindfulness 4 Mothers, when you started it and why?
Kellie: Mindfulness 4 Mothers is not another set of instructions on how to be the perfect mother. Far from it. It’s an online self-care program that can help us sleep better, reduce stress levels, and find comfort when times are tough. It helps us to deal with frustration and gain inner strength and confidence.
Motherhood is the most fulfilling but exhausting job I have ever had – and if it hadn’t been for my mindfulness and self compassion practices, I might well have gone down with the ship. Nothing prepared me for the unrelenting demands of motherhood. The realities of a 24/7 responsibility that left no time for myself. I had wildly unrealistic expectations of myself as a perfect mother and was hard on myself if I didn’t live up to that.
Despite the fact that I was head over heals in love with my children, the sense that my life was somehow out of my control was quite a shock. It was a whole new world full of emotional highs and lows. Thank goodness for mothers group (and coffee). It was a lovely safe place to find out if other people were in a similarly bewildering fog. But I needed more.
When I finally remembered it, what a help mindfulness meditation became. In some ways it seems almost too good to be true, and if I hadn’t experienced them already, I might not have been so convinced by the overwhelming research on the benefits. That’s saying something because, as a psychologist, I know the persuasiveness of research evidence.
It’s being the mother of two delightful, exhausting children that has really convinced me of the value of mindfulness meditation in helping me to be a happier and more settled mother, and a calmer and more grounded person. Mindfulness and compassion based practices have changed me and how I parent. I’ve come back to what I now know to be a rock solid way to care for myself and my family.
So I decided to interview the world’s best mindfulness teachers, well-being psychologists and neuropsychologists – most of whom are mothers themselves – and create an online program so that other mothers could access this wisdom and support from the comfort of their own home. I developed guided practices that are short and mother-specific and included those in the program as well.
So many parents I work with tell me that they long to be there every step of the way for their child but they can’t if they don’t look after themselves – and resource themselves for the marathon that parenting is. Mindfulness 4 Mothers has become a tailor-made resource for mothers, fathers and carers of children.
Lia: What does it mean to be a mindful parent?
Kellie: Great question. I describe myself as a mindful-mum-in-progress because I don’t think any of us can be mindful all the time.
There are as many definitions of mindfulness as there are brands of shampoo but one I really like is that it means “being aware of what you are experiencing (thoughts, feelings, surroundings) as you are experiencing it – being 100 per cent present to what is going on around you and how you are responding to what is going on around you.” So it’s not just about feeling better but about being able to be present to whatever is going on, without it de-railing you.
It sounds simple but research by Harvard University has shown that nearly 50 per cent of the time our mind is elsewhere – thinking about something that has already happened or worrying about/or planning for something that may happen in the future – so we actually miss half our lives – it passes by without us even noticing it. What a loss.
When it comes to parenting, that is pretty sad because we miss most of the joy of parenting that way and we are not fully present to connect with our children. We might be checking out Facebook, or going over something someone just said to us or worrying about challenges we are facing with our children – whatever it is, we are not right here with them, where they need us to be.
Of course not being mindful also means we have far less choice in how we respond to the challenging moments of parenting – that we are far more likely to lose our patience and say or do something we will regret later (or that might frighten our children) when we are triggered by their big emotions or difficult behaviour.
To be present as parents – and keep our cool when times are tough – is demanding though, so we have to resource ourselves and learn the skills to do this. That’s where this program comes in.
Lia: Can you explain what tools women will learn in the workshop to resource themselves for the marathon of motherhood?
Kellie: The tools are for anyone who cares for children – and they the ones that we know rewire our brains for greater well-being: soothing the anxiety, worry and hurts that undermine our parenting, helping us find the calm, confidence and connection we want as parents – and fill us back up again to be able to give what our children need from us. The main tools are mindfulness, self-compassion and well-being skills.
They are important because they equip us to notice and celebrate the joys of parenting and manage the challenges without being knocked sideways. It helps us manage our emotions and communicate more effectively with our children, in good times and bad. It’s really hard to care for children when we are empty and exhausted ourselves – these practices fill us back up again – really bringing us back to life as better versions of ourselves.
Lia: Do you find that many parents or carers neglect to take care of themselves, and if so, how is this detrimental?
Kellie: YES! We put ourselves at the bottom of the list! As a parent we are great at helping others, but we are probably not always good at taking care of ourselves. As much as parenting is the most important job in the world, it can be tough. Really tough. Sleep deprivation, worrying and stress can make for an unhappy parent – overwhelmed, depleted and at risk of post-natal depression and anxiety. And as research shows, that affects our child’s happiness, too. Investing in our own wellbeing is a gift to our child. And mindfulness is one of the best ways to find a natural state of calm for our own sake too.
Lia: What does the online course involve?
Kellie: This online program gives you access to international expert advice, and to conversations that help you apply mindfulness to your daily life. And we offer guided meditations that you can download for later use. It also provides a workbook to record your own journey with mindfulness, and an online community on Facebook and inside the course to connect to other parents just like you. You can benefit wherever you are in your parenting journey.
Lia: The next workshop at Glow is on 13 August 13. Can you tell me the format of the workshop and what is the aim?
Kellie: The workshop is a great way to get a taste of what mindfulness and self-compassion have to offer. You will get the chance to try out a few practices for yourself and will also gain powerful insights into how our brains are wired and what we can do to get back into the driver’s seat of our own wellbeing and precious lives. There is time for discussion and questions – and it is a great introduction to how we will run the full four-week program, that includes access to the online Mindfulness 4 Mothers program.
Lia: Who should attend the August workshop?
Kellie: Mothers, fathers, grandparents, foster parents, nannies, aunts and uncles – anyone who cares for children will find it worthwhile. I develop mindful parenting programs for local government as well as private groups and the feedback I get is that these skills are profoundly supportive in any caring role. They are fundamental life skills – ones that I encourage parents to share with their children from quite a young age. But we have to learn them and practice them ourselves first before we can role model such good self-care to our children.
Lia: If you can offer parents any tips or advice, what would it be?
Kellie: Don’t leave your happiness – and the happiness of you family – to chance. Find out how you can prioritise your own well-being and develop the tools you need to really thrive. You wouldn’t set out on a three-day hike with an empty backpack, so why would you resource yourself any less for the enormous job of parenting and raising happy healthy children?
If you would like any further information, email kellie@mindfulness4mothers.com or to learn about the workshop visit www.glowclinic.com.au
