PRECEDE: This is still not a girl-friendly world, but we can fight back at every age if we know what we’re dealing with, writes Steve Biddulph.
This article is going to be about girls. But if you have boys in your family, then don’t stop reading.
Mums and dads of boys are going to find, sooner or later, that girls feature large in their concerns – and hopefully joys as well.
We all have a big stake in the two (or more) genders getting along well.
Girls are in a lot of trouble lately. It’s not every girl – and it’s important to keep some perspective here.
Three out of five girls turn out just fine, and because of the hard battles of feminism over a century up until now, they have a wide world open to them.
I’ve lived alongside five generations of womanhood – grandma, mum, wife, daughter, and granddaughters.
My own mother’s world was one of frustration and unfairness – she was smart, lively, and loved being around people, but life as a migrant was lonely, and her last career move was pushing the wires into electric blankets, until her hands just hurt too much.
On the plus side, she had a caring and gentle husband, and in those days, a family only needed one working parent to do fine. And of course, she had me for a son, ha ha. We had our moments, but we loved each other, and I think in later years, I helped her to relax.
We taught her to hug without going stiff as a board, and she loved hugs and, of course, cradling grandchildren on her knee was a joy that I now also know.
So a girl today does not have the limits put on her by being female, at least with career options or independence. The need to stick with a man (or woman) who is not respectful or kind has gone away.
But the world is still not right. You don’t have to wait long, after giving birth to a girl, to start noticing the crappy messages that the world sends her way.
Once, in one of my live shows I toured around the world, I came up with a list of the four key things that TV, the internet, music videos, and movies tell girls about life.
Here they are:
Your looks are the most important thing about you.
Your body is never good enough.
Sex is something you trade for belonging and affection (and sometimes, for power).
It’s fine and normal to have sex with people you don’t know, or even like.
Would you sign your name to any of those messages? I reckon not.
So this means – since the mass media are the third parent in many homes – that you have to choose carefully what your daughters and sons soak up from the screens in their lives and yours. The billboards around town.The social media blitz aimed squarely at them.
And probably – as they do see these ideas and messages, or worse still, show signs of believing them – to talk them over.
Take point one. What would you value in another human being?
How great they look? Or generosity, loyalty, kindness, or being generous. Patience, hard work, creativity, or being fun and optimistic to be around? Gratefulness for one’s blessings, or gutsiness in standing up for others? Any ten of those would come before ‘Wow, she looks so hot!’.
Of course, if you live by these values too, then it’s ten times the power in the message. Be relaxed about your looks, stay away from diets and fashion, be affectionate and friendly to others, and talk to people who are a bit different or seem lonely.
Let your daughter see that you see womanhood as a free and enjoyable and feisty place; punch back at the world’s demands and pressures.
She will catch the fire and be at ease in her own skin. What a gift to give our daughters, for their lives now and when we are gone.
At the start of this article, I mentioned three out of five girls doing just fine. What about the other two? Well, that’s for another article.
We are on a campaign to rescue girlhood, fight back against anxiety and perfectionism, and stand up to the horrible new wave of misogyny that is infecting boys and men. These battles are personal and political, too; there are monsters on the world stage, and we have to get love and equality out there, and have fun doing it.
Live lovingly, but carry a big stick!
Steve Biddulph is a retired psychologist and the world’s top-selling parenting author this century. You can watch Steve’s classic talk, Raising Girls – filmed live with audience interaction in Brisbane, when he was still good-looking! Go to https://payhip.com/stevebiddulphtalks.
